Desiderans
by Lixciaa
Summary: The musky smell of sweat, the distant drift of soap that all lined Noriaki's skin—they plagued Jotaro's mind. A thing of the past. His chest felt heavy.


There was nothing he could do. There was no opportunity in which he could've sprang into action to stop Dio's fist from creating a bloody abyss through Kakyoin's abdomen. Not a distraction he could've played out, especially with Dio's time stop ability that he had no idea about at that point. If only he was closer when it happened, perhaps. _Nothing he could've done._ So why did he feel so _guilty?_ This deep seeded feeling planted in the base of his chest, gripping at his heart and dragging it down like a ship's anchor. _Perhaps he could've lived if I got my hands on Dio first._

Jotaro rolled over in his bed, biting the inside of his cheek.

It's been roughly a month since he's returned to Japan after the events in Egypt. The trip began with five, then gained a sixth—a rude, mangy mutt—but only three returned to their homes. The deaths of his comrades weighed heavy on him, of course, though he tried to put on a straight face every passing day. Returning to school was _hell_. The process of trying to focus with the idle chatter of others near combined with everything, it was nearly too much. Especially knowing that Kakyoin would have returned and been a student at his school.

Perhaps they could've continued to… _see_ each other, every day, spend time together, every day.

Jotaro's throat closed up at the thought. He rolled over again. His bed hasn't been so comfortable since returning, this these memories and ideas in his head.

Sometimes, he reflected back on specific things of the adventure. He thought about how he found friendship in those five, and perhaps _love_ in Kakyoin. He remembered back on the day he and his cherry haired friend had to wait at a hotel for the rest of the group, and in their waiting they talked, sincerely and it just kept going until somehow, in the midst of the words and breathing their lips came together. Perhaps it was pure hormone motive, or it was a slip of reason or something completely different, but Kakyoin didn't pull away—he kissed back, wholly, and it was that one moment that made Jotaro realize he wanted that boy. They couldn't continue their actions while unknowing when everyone would return, so their kiss ended short and that was that; they waited for the return, eyeing each other from across the room.

And, the moment they all got their keys for their shared rooms—two people in each room—Kakyoin and Jotaro were on each other again, barely a word being passed between the two before lips smashed the spoken letters to pieces. Fingers threaded through hair, Jotaro's hat was pushed off of his head; they explored each other, shedding clothes like they were being born anew. The warmth of the lamp's glow glazed their skin, setting the mood as they collapsed onto the bed and spent the next few hours expanding their romantic horizons.

The morning came and just like that the previous night drifted to the back of their minds. Their thoughts had to be focused on the Stand users they faced every day, nearly every battle leaving scars and bruises on their forms.

Jotaro remembers how those nights following, Kakyoin would run his fingers gently over his scabbing scratches and he'd return the favor by kissing the other's marks away.

The musky smell of sweat, the distant drift of soap that all lined Noriaki's skin—they plagued Jotaro's mind. A thing of the past. His chest felt heavy.

Outside of his room, through the window he could hear a bird. _What is a bird doing out there now? It's the middle of the night._

Curious, Jotaro turned in his spot, facing the window in question. Out on a branch a little pale red bird sat, chirping away at the moon. It paid no attention to the boy inside, but instead was completely in a trance up at the stars. It should've been sleeping at this time. It should've been waiting for the morning's glow. Though instead, just like Jotaro Kujo, it sat up late, fearful of sleep.

There was something familiar about this situation. Thinking back on it, Jotaro's throat closed up again.

He remembers fondly visiting Kakyoin in the hospital after he gained his wounds from D'Noul. Kakyoin couldn't see: eyes covered in tight bandaging that wrapped around his head multiple times to block out any light and help recovery. His hospital bed sat close to a window, and while he couldn't look out of it, he could hear everything outside, including the birds that visited branches near it. Jotaro sat in a chair by the side of the bed, able to look outside and see the birds that Noriaki spoke so fondly of.

" _They visit me every day. I think it's the same birds, honestly."_

Jotaro closed his eyes and smirked, dipping his head so a shadow formed over his features from the brim of his hat. _"What makes you think they're the same?"_

His cherry haired companion clutched at the sheets covering him mindlessly, licking his lips before he spoke. Jotaro watched him carefully, noticing how he likes to _touch_ things a lot more now that he doesn't have his eyes. _"Since I've lost my sight for now…everything else just sort of feels enhanced. I listen closely to them. Just like humans they all have different voices, and these ones visit frequently."_

The taller male huffed to himself, giving the latter a verbal shrug. _"It's good for that, then. We don't see you all that often, I know it must be lonely."_

Kakyoin sighed, lifting one hand to wave in Jotaro's general direction. _"Don't worry about it. Your mother's life is at stake, you need to defeat Dio before her time runs out. Time visiting me is time you lose."_

These words expanded in the atmosphere, seeming like a sponge that filled the room and gave Jojo some sort of… _emotion._ Guilt, perhaps. He and Noriaki had crossed the line awhile before, giving a piece of each other away, truly that said something about where they stood for each other. Leaving Kakyoin there in the hospital every day without a word after all _that_ was almost cruel.

These thoughts in his head, Jotaro leaned forward and his fingers gently threaded into the red noodle of hair that hung from Kakyoin's bangs. Upon feeling the attention, the latter let out a breath and leaned towards him, then there was a kiss.

Jotaro spoke when they pulled apart. _"I just want you to know that if it weren't for all this, of course I'd be here to visit."_ These words come from him, sure, and yes they are emotional, but his face has the same stoic expression it always holds. Kakyoin knew that.

 _"If it weren't for all this, I wouldn't be in the hospital."_

A silence spread between after this, and they just smiled, but then the hospital door was thrown open and the rest of the group joined them, and they had to retract from each other quickly as to not raise any questions.

They spent some time all together—Avdol, Oldman Joseph, Polnareff, Jotaro, Kakyoin and even Iggy—forgetting for a short while that everything was gloom, that all of them could die at any given moment from a Stand attack. It was a quiet moment, despite all the words and laughter passed around.

And that was the last time Jotaro saw Noriaki Kakyoin until the day they fought Dio. Kakyoin approached them, surprising them all just as they were about to sneak into the mansion Dio resided in. He wore a pair of dark sunglasses that covered his violet eyes, and when he removed them—and Jotaro saw the two vertical scars running over both of his eyes—it made his heart sink slightly. Such a pretty face scarred, forever. It didn't matter much though, because the next moment they were all crowded around him and telling him how glad they were to see him again.

Kakyoin explained his vision was fine, and that elated Jotaro.

 _Maybe once Dio is defeated, we can return to Japan and perhaps have some…normalcy._

And just as one last hoorah they ended up in another stand battle together, before Dio. Jotaro, Oldman Joseph, and Kakyoin. It was stressful, and it seemed like a lot of hope was lost when Kakyoin's soul got sucked into a doll, but in the end they succeeded, and he was set free. It was nice to be able to fight alongside him again.

But his hopes were brutally crushed beneath Dio's shoe. While they were all split up—while Jotaro was away from the one he cared for _so deeply_ , everything came to a halt. Time stopped, figuratively and literally. The only person he's ever held so tight to his frame, the only person he's ever whispered sweet nothings to, was just…ripped from his life. _Punched directly through!_

The tightness in his throat and his chest finally gave way, tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. The bird outside of his window has fluttered away, leaving him to open his heart out against his pillow. Jotaro Kujo does not cry, no, not usually. He's a man of composure. He does not believe in showing his emotions. If people want to know how he feels, they have to look at him, _really_ look at him.

Though now, there was no time for holding it back. His mind rang with the taste of their last kiss, shared when Jotaro asked to speak to Kakyoin privately before they split up to find Dio in the dark. Kakyoin had tasted fresh that moonlit night, having been taken care of at the hospital for a while. He tasted of cherries, Noriaki's favorite fruit of course, and even a hint of a minty coolness. It took everything in Jotaro to be able to pull back, to say goodbye.

The tears stained his cheeks. They burned, they were so warm, and they soaked his pillow as he silently sobbed. Never again will he hold the man he fell in love with. Never again will he hear his voice, or hear his laughter ring throughout the room like it did some nights during their journey.

None of this was his fault. He did nothing wrong, and neither did Kakyoin.

The guilt still existed hard in his heart, though, pulling him down farther and farther.

He did _nothing wrong._

There was nothing he could've done to stop it all, and that was that. Perhaps one day he could finally free himself of this void in his chest, but at the current moment it seemed so unlikely.

Jotaro's eyes shut tightly. The hope for morning swam all around him, because morning meant another day passed, another day closer to his recovery.

 _Take one day at a time,_ he thought. _One day at a time._


End file.
